One Year Postpartum

When you become a mother, you experience a ton of the things you had always hoped for and dreamed about and also many, many things you never expected.

Thank goodness for friends both in real life and online who provided much-needed and appreciated advice both during pregnancy and after---it made some of those unexpected things a little easier to cope with.

Sorry this post is so late after the one-year mark, I haven't had a lot of time to sit down and write it until now.

Weaning
I'll start with weaning from pumping because I've been getting a lot of questions about that. The most important piece of advice I can offer here is to give yourself way more time than you think you need to wean from pumping. I thought I would need a week or two at most, but it ended up taking about a month to reduce from three to zero pumping sessions per day. 

We were traveling at the beginning of June and I didn't want to lug my pump with us, but my body was still making milk even though I hadn't expressed in about five or six days the day we got on the plane. My breasts were sore and hard in parts, with lots of plugged ducts. Not painfully engorged like when I was first weaning from pumping, but it wasn't comfortable, at all. 

I used all of the tricks in the book--- cabbage leaves in the bra (at night and on weekends when I was home), reducing time each pumping session (I used to pump for 30 minutes, so I went down to 20, then 10, then 5, etc). Eventually I would pump for just a few minutes to relieve pressure and I wouldn't pump a lot so my supply was finally dwindling.

A few days into our trip, I was in a lot of discomfort so I hand-expressed in the shower. I know they say not to get hot water on your chest area when you are weaning, but the pressure was so intense, I just had to. That seemed to be the final thing I had to do to make the milk stop completely. The next day my body just felt different. It went from my breasts looking huge and full all the time to looking and feeling like they were pre-pregnancy (actually, better, and I'll get to that soon). I was suddenly able to sleep on my stomach again and my chest finally felt normal. All of the hard lumps and plugged ducts were gone and it was such a relief. 

A lot of my mom friends told me how hard it was to wean, particularly emotionally. I think because I pumped, I didn't really get to experience that "last nursing session," so as much as I felt sort of sad that it was all coming to an end�I also felt thrilled I wouldn't have to be a) hooked up to a pump for hours, b) lugging the milk to and from work, c) planning my days around pumping... and the list goes on and on. I was so happy to have met my goal that it overshadowed any sadness. I think if I had nursed, it would have been more emotional for me.

Breastfeeding/Pumping with Breast Implants
I get a lot of questions about breastfeeding or pumping with breast implants. Way before I ever got pregnant, I emailed a blogging friend of mine because I knew she had nursed her baby girl and had implants. I wanted to know what her experience was like---I was so worried I wouldn't be able to breastfeed because of my surgery but she was really reassuring and even told me that she liked hers better after she nursed. I was surprised to hear this, but now I feel the same way. Maybe it's just because they are not gargantuous anymore (seriously, it was no beuno), but they are totally back to normal and they actually feel softer than they did before. 

Everyone is different, but my experience nursing/pumping with implants was very positive. I get asked a lot if looking back, I wished I had waited to get implants until after I had children? Given that I was able to produce more breast milk than my baby needed, the answer would be no, I'm glad I got them when I did. However, if I had not been able to produce milk or had low supply, my answer might be different, but maybe not. I would have probably attributed it to lack of breast tissue versus the implants, since under-the-muscle placement typically preserves the important parts for breastfeeding and many women breastfeed successfully with implants.

Body/Body-Image After Baby
When I was pregnant and nursing, I felt really good about myself. I'm sure it was all the endorphins and hormones racing through my body, but I felt more "happy in my skin" than ever before. I could be bare-faced with my hair in a topknot and feel great. There was just something about that time that made me feel really confident about my appearance. 

After weaning, I experienced some blues that started midway into our Toronto trip. It was terrible---but I knew it might happen because Danielle warned me about the hormone crash she experienced when she weaned from nursing her daughter. I felt so sad/low�and it was both fortunate and unfortunate timing---I didn't want to feel blue around my family and friends---but at the same time, my loving family and friends made it easier to leave those feelings behind when we spent time together which I so enjoy and rarely get to do.

I also suddenly felt really bad about myself and my body. It literally happened overnight and I remember Kevin trying to convince me that there is no way my body/looks changed overnight, but in my mind, they had. I didn't have those positive feelings about myself anymore and I hated getting dressed (in the same clothes, mind you, that I had loved days prior to the big ol' hormone crash). I was horribly bloated and felt totally blah for a couple of weeks. 

My hormones seemed to have leveled-off now and I'm feeling a lot better. My body hasn't changed much from the last time I posted an update. I feel like I've gained a couple of pounds since I stopped pumping, but that's about it. 

I'm looking forward to getting back into shape and making healthier choices as this year continues. What I miss the most is feeling energized. The feeling you get after completing a tough workout is awesome and I miss the long term benefits of having more strength and energy.

I purchased a 2-month unlimited barre class membership (it was on a daily deals site for 60% off!) and right now I'm trying to figure out the class schedule. I will likely go every Saturday and Sunday and maybe one weeknight if they have a class that's after Harper's bedtime. Really, even two days a week would be huge for me.

Health/Nutrition
Speaking of healthier choices, I saw a nutritionist at work recently (it's part of our employee health program) because I finally wanted to face my sugar addiction and actually do something about it instead of talking about it.

For years, I have been addicted to sugar. I have very little self-control when it comes to how often and how much sugar I consume. The only time in my life I can remember getting it under control is when Kevin and I were doing boot camp. I was in such great shape that I was more motivated to make better choices.

The past year of less sleep, constant pumping (which in and of itself requires a lot of calories---not from sugar though, obviously), going back to work, etc� kind of drained me so I was using sugar more than ever before as a "pick me up." 

The nutritionist meeting actually felt more like a therapy session. She talked to me a lot about why we make the choices we do, what motivates us and also explained the pathways the human brain makes when it comes to addictions. It was very interesting and it all made sense.

My nutritionist is nothing like I expected----in fact, this HuffPost article totally reminds me of her approach. I thought I would go in there and she would be horrified and tell me I'm destroying my health and to never eat sugar again but it was the total opposite. She told me to look at my situation with compassion and without judgment or shame.

My first goal was to keep a food diary and really, truly think about my choices. Instead of eating because I'm tired, bored, stressed, etc, I ask myself- am I really hungry, or do I just want the feeling I get from eating something sweet? 90% of the time, I'm not hungry and if I am, there's a better choice to be made than cookies, chocolate or sour patch kids (sorry, kiddos, it's been a fun ride).

The nutritionist told me I should add more fat to my diet to ensure the meals I'm eating are filling. My breakfast, lunch and dinners are all healthy (think eggs, salads, sandwiches, meat, fish and veggies, etc)---but I used to eat something sweet (and lots of it) after every meal regardless of whether I was full or not. It became nearly impossible not to have a treat after lunch and dinner and I was never able to stop at just one or two cookies or a few pieces of chocolate. I craved it so badly and I would eat much larger portions than what is reasonable. Sometimes I even felt sick afterward yet that rarely stopped me. I would even start my days with a sugar-packed Luna bar which set me up to crash shortly afterwards.

Anyway, I see the nutritionist every two weeks for now. So far I have been happy with my progress. My goal isn't not to eat sugar---that is crazy and impossible--- it's to learn to understand when I truly want something sweet (versus just out of habit) and then learn to approach eating sweets as a fun treat in reasonable amounts, versus eating sweets multiple times a day in unlimited amounts. It can be so tempting to indulge in every little treat (people at work always bring leftover food from meetings, donuts, cookies, etc.) but it's also a surefire way to have constant sugar crashes.

Now, when I have a craving for sugar, I will often drink a cup of tea to let it pass. If I'd like to have something sweet, I have a few bites of ice cream (not half of the container) or a small serving of something (not eating cookie after cookie right out of the box). I've had a few slip-ups, but doing great overall. I've never had any discipline when it comes to sweets so I've surprised myself---that's probably because I'm actually motivated to change my habits and I'm not going cold turkey.

I want to clarify that this is not about weight loss or "sugar detox." I do not need or want to lose weight and I don't want to stop eating sweets, because as I said earlier, that's unrealistic (and quite frankly, you only live once, and I want to live in a world where Thin Mints can be a part of my life---in moderation). I'm looking to make better choices about what I fuel my body with so that I can have more energy and develop a better relationship with food. 

Have any of you struggled with this? What helped you overcome it? I'm not interested in any kinds of diet shakes, detoxes or other diet products, but if you have some behaviors or practices that helped you moderate your sugar intake, please let me know! My best trick so far is tea. I love David's Teas- they come in so many delicious flavors, some truly taste dessert-like.

Thank you for reading! If you have any questions post below and I will come back to answer.

Rediscovering My Closet & Postpartum Bodies

After taking a 12-week maternity leave where I wore v-neck t-shirts and Lululemon shorts every.single.day (no, really) I was ready to rediscover my closet when I returned to work. I hadn't worn a lot of my clothes in so long that it actually feels like I'm wearing something new sometimes, even when I've had the piece for a couple of years (which is kind of awesome!) I've purchased new items recently too, but there's nothing like mixing and matching new finds with old favorites.

Though all of my old clothes fit me, which I'm surprised by and thankful for (and so is my wallet), some fit differently. Not differently enough not to wear them anymore, but a postpartum body just isn't the exact same as before, especially so soon after giving birth. After all, it takes nine months to put it on and even if you're back at your pre-pregnancy weight, or even below it, your body doesn't quite look or feel the same (and it shouldn't).

What I recognize is that it will take time and a lot of hard work to get my body to where I'd like it to be.  I definitely want to feel strong and be toned again because I have zero muscle mass right now (and darn it, I worked hard for it before!)  so I've started to walk more often by taking Harper out in her stroller now that it's cooled down a bit in the evenings (thank goodness for mosquito nets!) It's a nice time for our family to just relax and talk about our days as we stroll along, away from distractions like TVs and laptops.  I've also tried to do planks when I'm on the floor with Harper during tummy time, but lets just say those were a challenge and are going to require more practice.

Finding the time to actually work out is tough because by the time we do her evening bath time routine and Harper is asleep and I pump one last time, I'm exhausted. My fitness goal for the next few months is to start up Bar Method classes again and go every Saturday. Slow and steady. I know if I strive for more, I will end up disappointing myself so I'm starting off with the goal of once a week to get some strength and energy back. I'm also going to physiotherapy for my neck once a week and it's amazing how much of a difference it has made after just two appointments. 

I don't like to give myself a hard time about my body because I'm incredibly proud that I grew and gave birth to an amazing little human life, and also because I'm quite okay with it. Is it the same as before? No. But I never claimed it was or would be (read more about that in my "post baby body" post). 

What struck me to write this is actually a post by my online friend Anna Sacconne.  She and her husband have a YouTube channel that chronicles their daily lives and a beautiful one year old daughter, Emilia.  Anna recently wrote about her postpartum body (she is currently pregnant with her second baby) and how much criticism she received when she posted bikini photos from a family vacation.  The comments ranged from "she should be ashamed to wear a bikini" to "if my stomach like that I would kill myself."  If you know Anna, you know she's gorgeous and tiny. Not that it matters how tiny she is---but it puts into context how ridiculous and cruel many of those comments were. A lot of women would be thrilled to have a postpartum body like hers (myself included!)

I too have recently read some not-so-nice criticisms about my postpartum body online, though not quite at that level of harshness, so Anna's post really struck me. I can't say it better than she did so I encourage you to read it here.  

What I agree with Anna about the most is that getting my body "back" is very, very low on my list of priorities. I want to focus on my family and spend time cherishing moments with my daughter especially now that I'm back to working full time. Every moment she's awake is time I want to spend with her and devote to her. At the same time, I do want to be active and healthy so I can set a good example for Harper as she grows.

As a new moms, we're all judged so much. Every decision is put under a microscope and everyone has an opinion. I recently blogged about the "I Support You" movement where moms are supporting one another about how they chose to feed their babies---so why can't we support each other about this, too? 

Postpartum emotions are full of ups and downs and the last thing women need to be doing is putting down other women's bodies during a time where there's so much else going on.  A time when there are many more important things to focus on and celebrate. 

To want or expect a woman to look exactly as she did before giving birth is asking her to pretend what happened, didn't. It's asking her to take back those nine months where her belly grew and stretched (and maybe other areas too) to make this new life she loves so much. 


When I see photos of myself wearing my old clothes- I feel good about myself. Otherwise, I wouldn't wear them. I wear them because they fit and because they make me feel good. For being just shy of four months postpartum, I think I'm doing pretty well. Like any woman, I have days where I feel lumpy and puffy but I don't let those days define how I feel about myself overall. 

before baby// after baby

before baby // after baby

before baby // after baby

before baby // after baby (same pants, same size, different color)

The bottom line is that some women seem to want to find fault in other women and want to bash them for any reason they can find. I can tell you that in the four years I've been blogging, I've been criticized for being too thin, not being thin enough, having a "creepy" baby bump (seriously!) and also for my postpartum body. It's really disheartening that women spend their time doing this, but it is what it is. As long as I keep sharing outfits, snippets of my life and family, etc, I know it won't stop, but I love doing this so it's just something I have to deal with.

I'll leave you with part of Anna's blog post that I think sums it up well:

"So please bear with me as I continue to share imperfect pictures of my current self and remember to hate less & love more...whether that be yourself or someone else.  Because life is too short to spend under your own little cloud of negativity and critiquing other women's bodies.  What's important is that you are happy with who YOU are."

And I am. Sorry if that bothers you, but if it does, it says more about you than it does about me. 

And just to clarify, I have never once said or "pretended" that my body was the same as before and I am not uncomfortable with my new body (please refer to this post, I've always been honest and forthcoming about it). What I'm not comfortable with is people making rude comments about my postpartum body---and it's not because they hurt me (though they are annoying)---it's because they hurt all mothers, especially those who are struggling to lose weight and are having a difficult time accepting their postpartum bodies. Think about the broader impact of your statements.

Trusting Your Instincts

I started to write this post from my hospital bed as I was recovering from a D&C surgery.  This post is about trusting your instincts.

Let me start from the beginning (and this post is very TMI, so if that's not your thing, I recommend skipping past this one).  Postpartum, I had three tears and very heavy bleeding, which is to be expected for the first week or two. By 1.5 weeks postpartum the bleeding had tapered off and for two blissful weeks I wore a thin liner and that's it (it was the most amazing downgrade ever from diaper-sized hospital pads).

Then, just as I was beginning to think I had the most OMGawesome recovery ever, I started to bleed a little bit again. No biggie, I just went back to normal pads and dealt with it. I wasn't in pain anymore and a little bleeding wasn't too much to handle.

During my mom's visit at four weeks postpartum, my bleeding became a little heavier, but nothing too intense. I did pass a small clot when she was here as well, but again, I didn't think too much of it.

The night my mom left to return to Toronto, I woke up in the middle of the night and suddenly I felt gushes coming out of me. I was so shocked that I got up and ran to the bathroom, waking my husband with my "oh shit!" reaction (didn't wake the baby though, thank God).  Blood was streaming down my legs and got all over our sheets and carpet. 

On Monday, at exactly five weeks postpartum, I called my OB's office and spoke to the nurse, who assured me it was "normal" to bleed gushes and clots at five weeks postpartum. She said it likely happens when I breastfeed or pump because the contractions were pushing it all out.  Though the gushes were awfully uncomfortable and, not gonna lie, horrific, I convinced myself that it was okay and that it would soon pass.

Tuesday night I once again started to have gushes of blood as I was breastfeeding Harper in the middle of the night.  I passed her to my husband and ran to the bathroom again, this time I was smart enough to sleep on towels so I didn't do any damage.

On Wednesday, I had some minor gushing in the early evening and before bed at night. I wore an extremely heavy pad to bed "just in case" and went to sleep.  I woke up at about 3:30 a.m. to pump some breast milk for Harper's next feeding. As I was pumping, I felt a massive clot come out of me and tons of gushing blood---more than ever before. I once again ran to the bathroom, once again ruined my carpet and passed another large clot.  My poor husband came into the bathroom and saw the blood running down my legs and how much was still coming out of me and he just told me I needed to call my OB's emergency line and that this was not normal. I felt in my heart the entire time that it wasn't and I knew he was right and that I had to make that call.  I called the emergency line and the OB on call agreed that is was peculiar to be bleeding so much at five weeks postpartum and told me to go to the women's assessment center to have an ultrasound to check my uterine lining.

We called Kevin's parents and bless their sweet hearts, they drove down to our house in the early morning to take me to the hospital so Kevin could be at home with Harper.  We got to the hospital, I was admitted, and was seen by the hospitalist who performed an u/s. She said my uterus did appear to be thicker than normal and that there was probably some placental retention.  She ordered radiology to come and perform a more in-depth, higher quality ultrasound.

I began to wonder what would happen if they found something in my uterus and when I asked the question, I was met with a word I'd heard before: D&C.  I immediately texted my mom who let me know that the procedure would require general anesthesia.

Once again, just like when Harper was taken to the NICU after she was born, I was just in complete and utter shock that this was happening. We were finally settled in at home and had our little routine and I was starting to feel back to normal in many ways (until the gushing began, of course) and suddenly I was at the hospital about to possibly undergo a procedure to remove something inside of me.

that was the expression on my face too when I learned I would need surgery!

The radiologist looked at my updated u/s scans and sure enough, he agreed that there was something in my uterus and that it needed to be removed. The D&C was scheduled for 3:30 that afternoon and I waited (and waited) until that time came.

Fortunately, I had brought my pump to the hospital and I was able to pump breast milk for Harper three times before I went into surgery. That made me feel good since I felt absolutely awful being away from her. I wondered if she would be upset that I was gone all day, but everyone reassured me that she is too young to notice. She is mostly eating and sleeping (and pooping) these days so it made me feel better that she was napping a lot because she could just have sweet little baby dreams. My father-in-law brought my EBM to the house for Harper before I headed into surgery.

I was in good spirits before my surgery, joking around with the doctors and nurses and overall trying to keep myself feeling okay about everything that was happening. I knew I was going to get great care and my wonderful OB would be doing my surgery which I was grateful for (I also joked how nice it was of me to not ruin a second holiday for her since our baby was born on Memorial Day and the following day after my procedure was Independence Day).

I remember waking up and seeing my mother-in-law and some of the nurses in my room. I remember feeling really cold and they used this amazing hose that blasted heat under my blanket for me. It was the best thing ever and so warm and cozy since I was shaking a bit and my lips were blue from the cold. The day after my surgery my nurse told me I looked pretty bad after surgery and was as white as a sheet.

The nurses told me everything had gone well. My OB called my husband while I was still asleep and filled him in on everything that happened. Later, when my OB visited me in my room at the hospital, I learned that they had found a small piece of what they think is placenta in my uterus and they removed it and sent it to pathology for analysis. My OB said it was kind of an unusual circumstance and we would know more once the results came in on Friday as to why it didn't come out with the rest of my placenta, which, when delivered, looked healthy and intact.

Because of some clotting issues that are part of my family's medical history, my OB decided to keep me overnight so I could be monitored and so that my CBC levels could be taken every several hours.   

I also continued to pump during my stay at the hospital, every three hours. I was worried about my supply tanking due to the general anesthesia but I called lactation support at and they told me I was doing everything right. The saddest thing was having to "pump and dump" after my surgery, for 24 hours. I ended up pouring over 500ml of breast milk down the drain. The nurse actually did it because she saw that I had the bottles all set out by the sink as I couldn't bring myself to do it. 

I was also able to FaceTime with Kevin and Harper at the hospital which was wonderful and helped me with the sadness of being away from her.

I'm still trying to cope with what happened and with the horrific images I still have in my head of seeing myself bleed that heavily. After my surgery, I kept thinking I would eventually just start gushing blood again and I was afraid to get out of bed and scared every time I had to pee or pump that it would just start all over again. In my head, I knew that they had fixed everything during the surgery, but my non-rational side was still having "flashbacks" about all of the blood loss I experienced.

Candice picked me up from the hospital when I was finally discharged the next afternoon and when I got home on the fourth of July, I snuggled my sweet little girl and was just so thankful that I was home and that everything was okay again. I missed her so much when I was in the hospital but her daddy took amazing care of her, of course.

Harper sleeping after our cuddles when I finally came home...

During my stay at the hospital I received so many incredible and supportive comments from so many of you who follow me on Instagram and I appreciate each and every person who took the time to send thoughts and prayers. I'm so lucky that everything turned out the way that it did and that I get to be home with my family now.

I guess the point of this post is to trust your instincts and if something feels wrong or abnormal---call...and call again.  It's better to get checked out than to let things get more serious.

I hope everyone had a great fourth of July and thank you again for the well-wishes and support, it really brightened my spirits during such a difficult time.

Body After Baby

I've had a lot of requests to post about my body after having Harper.  I gained about 32 pounds when I was pregnant and about a week and a half postpartum I was 12 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight.   I haven't weighed myself since then, but I imagine I've lost a few more.

I took this photo a couple of days before I went into labor

Currently I can fit into all of my pre-pregnancy clothing (last Saturday was the first time I tried on my jeans again), but of course my body isn't the same as before, when I was working out regularly and hadn't yet carried an 8 pound, 3 ounce baby inside of me.

I would describe my post-pregnancy body as looking like I haven't worked out in a year (which is basically the case since I didn't work out for my entire pregnancy).  I'm still thin, but I lack the muscle tone and definition my body had when I was weight training. 

I had a few people ask what my "secret" is or what diet I'm following to try to get my pre-pregnancy body back, and the truth is, there isn't one. I've always said that I believe genetics play a large role in your pregnancy/postpartum body and things like whether or not you get stretch marks.  I didn't get any stretch marks and my body seems to have bounced back fairly quickly and I know my mom was the same way. It's just the luck of the draw.

I'm also breastfeeding and pumping, so that burns a lot of calories and thus I have to eat a lot to make sure I'm making up those calories. I still eat the same way I did before and during pregnancy. I eat every 2-3 hours and if I want pizza or ice cream, I have it---everything is okay in moderation as long as the rest of your diet is balanced. 

In terms of my stomach, which is the area most people are curious about post-baby,  I've actually been pleasantly surprised with how quickly it went down.  It started to go down right after giving birth and has gotten flatter since then. It's not the exact same as before, but honestly, I expected it to be much worse so I'm happy with it.  I still have my linea negra which I know takes time to go away, so right now my stomach looks better from the profile view than the front view. 

I took this photo within 24 hours of giving birth

About 2 weeks postpartum

The picture on the left was taken right before I found out I was pregnant, 

the picture on the right was taken today, at 3 weeks 1 day postpartum.

While I'm on leave (and medically cleared) I could probably squeeze in a workout during one of Harper's naps...but I have no idea how I'll have the time (or energy) to work out once I go back to work.  I want to spend every moment after work with my baby and not at the gym, so I may have to get creative. If you have any tips on how you incorporate fitness into your life as a mom, let me know.  I know that weekends I could fit in a class or go for a nice long walk with the stroller, but during the week it seems tough.

Overall, I'm pretty happy with my postpartum body. I feel like women are kind of taught that it's not okay to say that, but I don't care.  I think the media pushes the message that women can't be okay with their postpartum bodies until they're back to exactly the way they were before (see: all of the tabloid covers featuring celebrities who are back down to their regular bodies weeks or months after giving birth), but I'm just going to say that I feel okay with my body right now. I would still love to tone up and get back to pre-pregnancy shape, but realistically, it takes time to build that much muscle mass so I'm just going to take it one step at a time and enjoy my newborn. 

How did you feel about your postpartum body? Leave me a comment below!