One Year Postpartum

When you become a mother, you experience a ton of the things you had always hoped for and dreamed about and also many, many things you never expected.

Thank goodness for friends both in real life and online who provided much-needed and appreciated advice both during pregnancy and after---it made some of those unexpected things a little easier to cope with.

Sorry this post is so late after the one-year mark, I haven't had a lot of time to sit down and write it until now.

Weaning
I'll start with weaning from pumping because I've been getting a lot of questions about that. The most important piece of advice I can offer here is to give yourself way more time than you think you need to wean from pumping. I thought I would need a week or two at most, but it ended up taking about a month to reduce from three to zero pumping sessions per day. 

We were traveling at the beginning of June and I didn't want to lug my pump with us, but my body was still making milk even though I hadn't expressed in about five or six days the day we got on the plane. My breasts were sore and hard in parts, with lots of plugged ducts. Not painfully engorged like when I was first weaning from pumping, but it wasn't comfortable, at all. 

I used all of the tricks in the book--- cabbage leaves in the bra (at night and on weekends when I was home), reducing time each pumping session (I used to pump for 30 minutes, so I went down to 20, then 10, then 5, etc). Eventually I would pump for just a few minutes to relieve pressure and I wouldn't pump a lot so my supply was finally dwindling.

A few days into our trip, I was in a lot of discomfort so I hand-expressed in the shower. I know they say not to get hot water on your chest area when you are weaning, but the pressure was so intense, I just had to. That seemed to be the final thing I had to do to make the milk stop completely. The next day my body just felt different. It went from my breasts looking huge and full all the time to looking and feeling like they were pre-pregnancy (actually, better, and I'll get to that soon). I was suddenly able to sleep on my stomach again and my chest finally felt normal. All of the hard lumps and plugged ducts were gone and it was such a relief. 

A lot of my mom friends told me how hard it was to wean, particularly emotionally. I think because I pumped, I didn't really get to experience that "last nursing session," so as much as I felt sort of sad that it was all coming to an end�I also felt thrilled I wouldn't have to be a) hooked up to a pump for hours, b) lugging the milk to and from work, c) planning my days around pumping... and the list goes on and on. I was so happy to have met my goal that it overshadowed any sadness. I think if I had nursed, it would have been more emotional for me.

Breastfeeding/Pumping with Breast Implants
I get a lot of questions about breastfeeding or pumping with breast implants. Way before I ever got pregnant, I emailed a blogging friend of mine because I knew she had nursed her baby girl and had implants. I wanted to know what her experience was like---I was so worried I wouldn't be able to breastfeed because of my surgery but she was really reassuring and even told me that she liked hers better after she nursed. I was surprised to hear this, but now I feel the same way. Maybe it's just because they are not gargantuous anymore (seriously, it was no beuno), but they are totally back to normal and they actually feel softer than they did before. 

Everyone is different, but my experience nursing/pumping with implants was very positive. I get asked a lot if looking back, I wished I had waited to get implants until after I had children? Given that I was able to produce more breast milk than my baby needed, the answer would be no, I'm glad I got them when I did. However, if I had not been able to produce milk or had low supply, my answer might be different, but maybe not. I would have probably attributed it to lack of breast tissue versus the implants, since under-the-muscle placement typically preserves the important parts for breastfeeding and many women breastfeed successfully with implants.

Body/Body-Image After Baby
When I was pregnant and nursing, I felt really good about myself. I'm sure it was all the endorphins and hormones racing through my body, but I felt more "happy in my skin" than ever before. I could be bare-faced with my hair in a topknot and feel great. There was just something about that time that made me feel really confident about my appearance. 

After weaning, I experienced some blues that started midway into our Toronto trip. It was terrible---but I knew it might happen because Danielle warned me about the hormone crash she experienced when she weaned from nursing her daughter. I felt so sad/low�and it was both fortunate and unfortunate timing---I didn't want to feel blue around my family and friends---but at the same time, my loving family and friends made it easier to leave those feelings behind when we spent time together which I so enjoy and rarely get to do.

I also suddenly felt really bad about myself and my body. It literally happened overnight and I remember Kevin trying to convince me that there is no way my body/looks changed overnight, but in my mind, they had. I didn't have those positive feelings about myself anymore and I hated getting dressed (in the same clothes, mind you, that I had loved days prior to the big ol' hormone crash). I was horribly bloated and felt totally blah for a couple of weeks. 

My hormones seemed to have leveled-off now and I'm feeling a lot better. My body hasn't changed much from the last time I posted an update. I feel like I've gained a couple of pounds since I stopped pumping, but that's about it. 

I'm looking forward to getting back into shape and making healthier choices as this year continues. What I miss the most is feeling energized. The feeling you get after completing a tough workout is awesome and I miss the long term benefits of having more strength and energy.

I purchased a 2-month unlimited barre class membership (it was on a daily deals site for 60% off!) and right now I'm trying to figure out the class schedule. I will likely go every Saturday and Sunday and maybe one weeknight if they have a class that's after Harper's bedtime. Really, even two days a week would be huge for me.

Health/Nutrition
Speaking of healthier choices, I saw a nutritionist at work recently (it's part of our employee health program) because I finally wanted to face my sugar addiction and actually do something about it instead of talking about it.

For years, I have been addicted to sugar. I have very little self-control when it comes to how often and how much sugar I consume. The only time in my life I can remember getting it under control is when Kevin and I were doing boot camp. I was in such great shape that I was more motivated to make better choices.

The past year of less sleep, constant pumping (which in and of itself requires a lot of calories---not from sugar though, obviously), going back to work, etc� kind of drained me so I was using sugar more than ever before as a "pick me up." 

The nutritionist meeting actually felt more like a therapy session. She talked to me a lot about why we make the choices we do, what motivates us and also explained the pathways the human brain makes when it comes to addictions. It was very interesting and it all made sense.

My nutritionist is nothing like I expected----in fact, this HuffPost article totally reminds me of her approach. I thought I would go in there and she would be horrified and tell me I'm destroying my health and to never eat sugar again but it was the total opposite. She told me to look at my situation with compassion and without judgment or shame.

My first goal was to keep a food diary and really, truly think about my choices. Instead of eating because I'm tired, bored, stressed, etc, I ask myself- am I really hungry, or do I just want the feeling I get from eating something sweet? 90% of the time, I'm not hungry and if I am, there's a better choice to be made than cookies, chocolate or sour patch kids (sorry, kiddos, it's been a fun ride).

The nutritionist told me I should add more fat to my diet to ensure the meals I'm eating are filling. My breakfast, lunch and dinners are all healthy (think eggs, salads, sandwiches, meat, fish and veggies, etc)---but I used to eat something sweet (and lots of it) after every meal regardless of whether I was full or not. It became nearly impossible not to have a treat after lunch and dinner and I was never able to stop at just one or two cookies or a few pieces of chocolate. I craved it so badly and I would eat much larger portions than what is reasonable. Sometimes I even felt sick afterward yet that rarely stopped me. I would even start my days with a sugar-packed Luna bar which set me up to crash shortly afterwards.

Anyway, I see the nutritionist every two weeks for now. So far I have been happy with my progress. My goal isn't not to eat sugar---that is crazy and impossible--- it's to learn to understand when I truly want something sweet (versus just out of habit) and then learn to approach eating sweets as a fun treat in reasonable amounts, versus eating sweets multiple times a day in unlimited amounts. It can be so tempting to indulge in every little treat (people at work always bring leftover food from meetings, donuts, cookies, etc.) but it's also a surefire way to have constant sugar crashes.

Now, when I have a craving for sugar, I will often drink a cup of tea to let it pass. If I'd like to have something sweet, I have a few bites of ice cream (not half of the container) or a small serving of something (not eating cookie after cookie right out of the box). I've had a few slip-ups, but doing great overall. I've never had any discipline when it comes to sweets so I've surprised myself---that's probably because I'm actually motivated to change my habits and I'm not going cold turkey.

I want to clarify that this is not about weight loss or "sugar detox." I do not need or want to lose weight and I don't want to stop eating sweets, because as I said earlier, that's unrealistic (and quite frankly, you only live once, and I want to live in a world where Thin Mints can be a part of my life---in moderation). I'm looking to make better choices about what I fuel my body with so that I can have more energy and develop a better relationship with food. 

Have any of you struggled with this? What helped you overcome it? I'm not interested in any kinds of diet shakes, detoxes or other diet products, but if you have some behaviors or practices that helped you moderate your sugar intake, please let me know! My best trick so far is tea. I love David's Teas- they come in so many delicious flavors, some truly taste dessert-like.

Thank you for reading! If you have any questions post below and I will come back to answer.

Pumping At Work- My Top 10 Tips

At the hospital where I work, we have a blog where employees contribute posts about pregnancy, motherhood, babies, birth, etc. It's run by our internal communications team and women working in all areas of the hospital are able to contribute.

Recently I was talking to the director of our lactation program because I had some questions about the best strategies for weaning from pumping and it occurred to us that though our hospital supports breastfeeding and pumping moms in so many ways, it would be great to have a resource that would provide tips for pumping at work as well as a forum for discussion if employees had questions.

As a result, I wrote a "Top 10 tips for pumping at work" story for our internal blog and because I know a lot of my readers have questions about pumping when returning to work, I thought I would share that post here as I continue to get emails and IG comments asking for pumping advice.

I am by no means an expert, but after nearly a year of pumping, with much of that time spent pumping exclusively, I have a pretty good arsenal of tips that helped me, and I hope they'll help you too!

I also want to add a disclaimer that acknowledges that I am in a beyond ideal work setting when it comes to being able to pump. Pumping at work is easier for me because I work for a hospital that has a milk bank where employees can pump with free hospital-grade pumps and my floor has an office set up for pumping where I can continue to work on the computer as I pump. I realize that some women have jobs where they travel a lot, work from their car (on-the-go), or simply don't have a work environment or schedule that is conducive to pumping. We all have such different roles in the workplace and I certainly don't want to imply that these tips will work for everyone nor are they doable for everyone.

Returning to work after having a baby brings about many challenges, and one of the most major ones is continuing to nurse. Staying motivated and having the right support system and resources in place is essential for any mom who would like to continue to provide breast milk for her baby.

After exclusively pumping for the last year, here are my best tips for making it through to reach your nursing goal:

1. Get into a routine- start pumping before you return to work, if possible. Get your body used to the pump and try to pump the same times you would at work so your body gets into a rhythm. This will make it less of an adjustment when you return to work because you�ll already have a routine established.

2. Plan ahead- how many times will you need to pump at work and for how long? How will you make sure you bring the supplies you need each day? Where will you pump and store your milk? Addressing these questions about a week before you arrive back to work will allow you to have a solid plan to integrate pumping into your day. Remember that we have a wonderful Milk Bank where employees can pump located on the 4th floor of the West Tower. If you work off-campus, make sure there is a room or office you can pump in prior to returning to work.

3. Build a support network- some days, what got me through was talking to co-workers and friends who pumped. Their stories and words of encouragement motivated me. If you�re a mom who pumped at work, offer encouragement to moms returning to work. Sometimes a simple �you�re doing a great job!� can make someone�s day.

4.Get your partner involved- my husband has been very supportive and I could not be more thankful. Each morning he packs a Ziploc bag containing my pumping parts for the day as well as a cooler bag. It�s one less thing for me to think about in the morning.

5. Make small goals- though my ultimate goal was to provide my daughter with breast milk for the entire first year of her life, I made smaller goals as a way to take pressure off of myself. My first goal was six months, then nine. By the time I made it to nine months, getting to 12 didn�t seem so far away.

6. Celebrate! Speaking of making goals, it�s just as important to reward yourself for meeting each goal. Maybe it�s a fancy dinner or a new pair of shoes. Maybe it�s simply enjoying your favorite dessert after dinner- celebrate each breastfeeding milestone. You deserve it!

7. Be productive- though pumping limits what you can do, there are ways to make that time count. Answer emails on your smartphone, tablet or laptop, review lengthier documents that require proofing or clean out and organize your inbox.  You could also pump during your lunch break and eat at the same time. If you�re using your lunch break to pump, make that your �me time� which you don�t get a lot of as a new mom and do something you enjoy!

8. The light at the end of the tunnel- try to remember pumping isn�t forever and remind yourself about the important benefits you�re providing to your baby. Anytime I had a rough day and hated the idea of pumping (yet again) I reminded myself that it�s temporary and I focused on how my daughter is growing the thriving with the nutrition only I can provide for her.

9. Don�t be afraid to ask for help- that�s what our lactation support and milk bank staff are for. I�ve called many times myself. (I realize most workplaces do not have access to lactation support so try calling a lactation consultant or la leche league in your area if you are having trouble so you can solve the issue quickly! There are also a lot of Facebook groups where you can find support---and this BabyCenter group for exclusive pumpers is great!)

10. Don�t be too hard on yourself- deciding to stop breastfeeding can cause a lot of guilt. If you find you don�t want to or cannot continue, don�t focus on what you�ll no longer provide- focus on what you have provided to your child. Breastfeeding has cumulative benefits so each day counts! Celebrate what you provided, no matter how long or short a time.

One last tip I'll mention is to stay very hydrated (drink LOTS of water) and eat extra calories to help with your supply and so that you will not be hungry. Pumping can burn 500-600 calories per day and that should be replaced via nutrition.

I hope this helps all of the new moms who are returning to work and trying to manage new schedules. Take it one day at a time and remember, YOU CAN DO IT!

If you have any questions, feel free to leave me a comment!

My Updated Breastfeeding Story & Why I Exclusively Pump

I really wanted to write this post as a follow-up to my original breastfeeding journey post because I want to offer support to other moms who may be going through the same thing. But before I get started, I wanted to share with you a movement called "I Support You," created by three bloggers---Mama by the Bay, Fearless Formula Feeder and I Am Not The Babysitter. The movement is about women supporting each other no matter how they choose to feed their babies---without judgment---whether the child is formula fed, breastfed, or both.  It's about understanding that no matter how a mother feeds her child, she is feeding with love. I looked through the gallery of photos and I was quite moved by some of them. Check out the article here on the Huffington Post.

I was trying really hard to nurse Harper. Everyone kept telling me to just put her to the breast as often as possible and that's what I was doing. If she wanted to eat every hour, that's what we did.  I was still using the nipple shield but it was my hope that I could eventually wean her off of it.  I knew I couldn't do it on my own and needed the support of a professional so I booked an appointment with a lacation consultant at the hospital where I delivered Harper.

Truth be told, I had already been pumping for a lot of Harper's feedings by that time, but seeing a lactation consultant was my last-ditch effort to try everything I could to get Harper to breastfeed more effectively (better latch, sucking actively, etc).  

Well wouldn't you know it, like Murphy's Law coming to life, when we met with the LC we started Harper's feeding with a nipple shield and removed it after my initial letdown and Harper nursed like a champion. We needed some guidance with her latch, but overall she nursed well.  We did a weighted feeding and she took in almost 4 ounces, which is what she takes in a bottle of expressed breast milk at each feeding. I was floored. I couldn't believe she has nursed without the shield and also that she had taken in so much. "This was it!," I thought to myself. One visit with the LC and we were on our way to exclusively breastfeeding...or so I thought.

I remember feeling elated that day. I was thrilled to think that it was possible for me to nurse her effectively. Of course in the back of my mind I knew I'd have to pump when I went back to work, but I was happy that breastfeeding seemed to be improving for us.

That excitement was sadly short lived. When we got home, I tried to nurse her and Harper would get fussy, or wouldn't latch correctly, or would keep de-latching. She would sometimes scream. "It's okay, we will get through this," I thought to myself. Persistence is key. I tried to continue to nurse her with and without the shield and I was noticing many things---that she would feed for a very long time on the breast (40 minutes to an hour), but not actively suck the whole time or she would fall asleep. She would be hungry soon after breastfeeding, whereas with pumped milk she usually napped for an hour or two between feedings and I could tell she was satisfied after the feeding.  I also noticed that oftentimes after breastfeeding her poop would be greenish. I read that this could be due to a foremilk and hindmilk imbalance, which made sense to me as she would nurse well at first and then slow down and so she probably wasn't getting that rich, fatty hindmilk that she needed.

Kevin was so supportive throughout this journey and even went to the LC with me.  He saw how frustrated I was sometimes (there were tears, for sure) and he just told me "you know, it's okay if you just want to pump, if that's what works and makes you feel good."

Did you know that most standard bottles fit onto Medela pumping parts? It's a great way to save on how much you wash to just pump directly into the bottle!

This is one of the early "Harper Kits" my husband puts together every single night so I can have clean, ready-to-use pumping parts all night and morning.

He was right. It was okay for me to give her pumped milk. She thrived on it and I thrived, knowing exactly how much she was getting---a blessing since she had trouble gaining weight when she was born.  From the very beginning, early into my pregnancy, I always said "I don't care how she gets my milk, as long as she gets it."  So why did I suddenly become so preoccupied with trying to get her back on the breast? 

I loved the closeness of breastfeeding---but I disliked the feelings of frustration and inadequacy I felt when Harper was hungry again soon after a feeding and when I would open her diaper and see the change in color in her output. I wanted her to have my milk---and I was producing milk---so did it really matter how she got it?

It doesn't look like this happy baby cares how she gets her milk!

The truth is, I still sometimes wish that feeding at the breast would have worked for us---and I do feel I tried hard to make it work. But I also feel that pumping is so fulfilling for me and for Harper, who is happily nourished from my milk that she drinks from a bottle.

I had a lot of people tell me that they hate pumping or that I should try to breastfeed her because I will come to hate it too.  The weird thing is, I never hated pumping. In fact, I am fascinated by it. It continues to amaze me that my body is even capable of producing something that can nourish my baby (especially since I wasn't even sure my breasts would be able to produce milk because of the surgery).  I sometimes look down when I'm pumping and I just marvel at the milk shooting out into the pumping parts. I am literally amazed by it because it's not something you get to "see" when you nurse.  Everyday, even though I'm pumping every three hours, I am still taken aback by watching the bottles fill up with my milk as the pump makes that familiar suctioning noise.

Is pumping more work? Most people would probably say that it is. You have to hook yourself up to the machine and constantly wash the parts (I even bought more parts but you still feel like you're washing them all.the.time).  You can't really stay out for more than 3-4 hours at a time unless you bring your pump with you (I haven't done that yet as we can run most errands in a shorter time and go back out again if we need to).  Even with all of this extra "work" I still enjoy pumping because I know I'm doing what's best for my baby and for me. The one thing that is very difficult about pumping is waking up in the middle of the night to pump as well as staying up late to get one last session in before going to sleep. I am absolutely exhausted most mornings, even though Harper is sleeping 8 hours consistently. But I do it because it's important to keep my supply up.

My goal is to pump when I go back to work so I can continue to provide my milk for Harper.  There are some days where we supplement with formula (maybe one feeding a day, so 4 oz) and some days she gets only breastmilk.  I also still breastfeed her every once in awhile. Sometimes I think we both crave that closeness and I can just follow-up with some pumped milk if she's still hungry. Mostly though, I would classify myself as an exclusive pumper.

Love her little chubby legs---pumping gives me the reassurance she's getting what she needs nutritionally 

I thought I would comment below on my pumping schedule and other FAQs about pumping and I welcome you to ask additional questions in the comments.

What type of pump do you have?

I have a Medela Pump in Style Advanced and I absolutely love it. A lot of the girls at work have recently had babies or are pregnant so they got us a hospital-grade pump that we can all use (with our own tubing/parts obviously) which I'm so thrilled about because hospital-grade pumps are awesome and it also means I will not have to tote my pump to and from work in addition to all of the daycare stuff.

How often do you pump?

During the day, I pump every 3 hours and at night I pump ever 4-4.5 hours to keep my supply up.  Some people have told me I don't need to pump at night because Harper is sleeping through the night, but I still wake up at 3 a.m. because it's important for me to signal my body to keep making more milk because I do worry about my supply down the road. The reason I am able to pump so often is because Harper is a very good sleeper. We got lucky, there's nothing we did to try to make her nap better or sleep through the night, it's sheer luck. There are times during the day or at night where I go longer between sessions for one reason or another, but generally this is the schedule I like to stick to.

How much do you get when you pump?

I would say I average about 4.3 ounces per pumping session, but sometimes it's less (3.7 oz) or more (about 5.4-5.8 ounces).  I get the most output at night and in the early morning and I always get more from my left breast than my right.

What are breast compressions and why should you do them?

I started to do breast compressions on my own when I began to pump and a few weeks later I watched a video online about the benefits of breast compressions during pumping so I am going to link that here because the video explains it better than I ever could. Basically you get much better output if you compress during pumping and you can ensure you fully empty the breast. Every last drop counts and fully emptying is important so that your body knows to produce the same amount next time because your baby needs it.

What are you eating/drinking?

It's so important to eat a good diet when you're breastfeeding or pumping because you body burns a lot of calories.  I have not changed my diet from before or during pregnancy  I just try to eat more and I do not at all watch what I eat. That means if I want ice cream or candy, I eat it, without guilt.  A typical day for me starts with a bowl of Kashi cereal and almond milk and a latte made with vanilla almond milk or Van's protein waffles with Nutella or raspberry jam and some fruit or a bagel with fruit.  For lunch I will have a turkey and cheese sandwich on wheat bread with some pickles or toast with peanut butter and some fruit or soup.  For snacks I like to eat nuts and nut/dried fruit mixes, crackers and fruit and for dinner we will eat some type of protein with veggies or a big salad or pasta.  It just depends what we're in the mood for.  For desserts I really love mini oreo cookies, cookies n' cream ice cream and swedish fish (ha). I also drink a TON of water and a few cups of Mother's Milk organic tea per day.

Do you have a fridge and freezer stash? How did you start it?

Yes, to both. I have a stash in my fridge and that stash includes any milk that I pumped that exceeds 4 ounces (so the extra milk from a single pumping session). I basically put it in the fridge and use it between 5-8 days after expression. This refrigerated milk helps me on days where Harper wakes up or wants to eat sooner than expected or sooner than I've had a chance to pump her next feeding.  I started my freezer stash using the Medela breast milk freezer bags a couple of weeks ago.  Harper's last feed is at about 9 or 10 p.m. every night and that is either warmed up refrigerated milk or milk that was expressed at my last pumping session (or some days, it's formula).  Then, I stay up late and pump at 11 p.m. and that milk goes in the freezer because I know she won't need it because she sleeps through the night. I also freeze any milk that I pump if I have a lot in the fridge that I need to use up.  Basically I am always "assessing" the situation and figuring out the best move---feed at next feeding, refrigerate or freeze. Every freezer bag contains one 4 ounce feeding.

My fridge and freezer stash

How do you transport milk when you're out and about with Harper?

Praise the Lord, breastmilk stays fresh at room temperature for 4-6 hours. When we leave the house, I pump a bottle of milk for her before we leave and tote it along with us. I don't cool it because we are always in A/C for most of the outing.  However, if we were going to be outside for awhile, I would bring Medela's cooler bag. We haven't had to do that yet. I also always have some ready-to-feed formula with me wherever we go, just in case.

How long will you pump for?

My goal is to continue pumping for however long my body will produce milk, with my first goal being six months and my ultimate goal being one year. If I don't make it, that's okay. This is just what I hope will happen. 

Harps and me, just chillin' after one of her bottle feeds

She sleeps after nearly every bottle

What about when you go back to work? When/where will you pump?

I am going back to work very soon (sadface) and I will pump every 3 hours at work. A lot of my co-workers either have young babies or are pregnant so there will be an office set aside for us to pump in, which is wonderful--and a hospital grade pump for us to use which is above and beyond. I have even heard that some women pump during their commute. I am not sure how safe that is so I'd have to really think about it, but if there was a safe way to do it (i.e.: setting it all up before you begin to drive and not touching it again until you are fully stopped) then I might consider it.

What are some things that make pumping easier?
Relaxing when you pump and drinking water during pumping make me feel good. I like to have my iPhone with me as well so I can surf online while I pump, which is also relaxing. Also---this is the most crucial thing---you must have a supportive partner. My husband cleans all of my pumping parts and bottles every single day before he leaves for work and he often cleans them after work too (I clean them as well, it just depends who has the time).  I think this is what really facilitates my experience because everything is ready-to-go. The emotional support also helps me feel even better about what I'm doing for Harper and he keeps me motivated to keep at it even when I've had a pumping session where I get less than usual he will remind me "remember last night you got over 5 ounces?" and that makes me feel great. One last thing---patience is key. I am not a patient person but pumping has tested that for me. I often have 3 letdowns when I pump and sometimes I feel discouraged that it doesn't look like I'm getting a lot of milk but if I just wait a few minutes I will get another letdown and I start to do compressions again to maximize that letdown. So be patient and just let your body do its thing :)

Overall, I just want to share a positive pumping experience.  Are there nights where I feel exhausted from having to wake up to pump? Yes, almost every night.  Is it sometimes tough to always have to think about pumping before leaving the house/make your plans around pumping? Sure. But at the end of the day, I enjoy pumping and most of all I love that it enables me to give Harper something very special in a way that works for both of us.  Maybe the way I feel about pumping will change down the road, but right now, I'm glad it's an option for me.

I also want to give a special thank-you to some of my readers who have emailed me about pumping and offered support and encouragement. It really means a lot to me.

Breastfeeding- Our Journey So Far

In my 36 weeks pregnant post, I talked a lot about my hopes and fears about breastfeeding.  From the beginning of my pregnancy, I knew I wanted to breastfeed. I had read numerous studies about the benefits of breast milk for babies and I wanted to provide Harper with my milk, if I could.

My breastfeeding journey began with a breast pump at the hospital. You'll recall from my birth story that Harper was whisked away to the NICU about an hour or so after her birth.  Because I wasn't able to be with her, the moment I got to our new room on the mother/baby unit where we would spend the rest of our hospital stay, I asked my nurse for a pump so I could try to extract some colostrum to feed her.

I was able to pump a small syringe the night she was born and I brought it to her in the NICU that night.  The next morning, I pumped another syringe and fed it to her.  I also worked with a lactation consultant everyday I was in the hospital to try to get Harper to feed at the breast.  She was unable to get a good latch and would de-latch and scream the entire time---or, she would fall asleep.  Needless to say it was a rough start for us.

The day after we brought her home, we visited the pediatrician to have her billiruben levels re-checked and they also weighed her. The hospital had sent us home with some formula because she was getting pasteurized donor breast milk in the NICU and was used to getting full feeds---and I didn't feel I was producing enough colostrum to satisfy her. So, I was pumping and also supplementing.

At her one week pediatrician appointment, our doctor was concerned that she had lost a little too much weight and asked me how breastfeeding was going. I felt so defeated. She wasn't gaining back weight quickly enough and so I was instructed to bring her to the breast as much as possible as well as to continue pumping and supplementing with formula as needed.

So I continued to pump and my milk finally came in about 5 days after giving birth. Once my milk came in I felt more confident brining her to the breast, but she still had latching issues and would scream every time I tried to feed her.  I started to feed her mostly expressed breast milk and a feeding or two of formula per day.

The early colostrum feedings...

I knew I had to do something because I really wanted breastfeeding to work out. I finally ordered a Medela nipple shield from Amazon.com and anxiously waited for it to arrive. By this point, every time Harper latched on I would feel a searing pain and my nipples were getting destroyed due to her poor latch.  I was literally praying that the nipple shield would be our saving grace.

And it was.  Once I started using the nipple shield, everything changed. Harper could latch on and STAY latched on. She wasn't screaming anymore. I could hear her swallowing when I would breastfeed her. I finally felt like I was providing her with what she needed.

love her little hand...

By her two week appointment she had re-gained her birth weight (was slightly above it) so our pediatrician was happy about that and encouraged me to wean from using the shield, and to breastfeed her as much as possible to build my supply.

I consulted a lactation expert who happens to conduct all kinds of studies on breast milk and breastfeeding and she told me it was okay to continue using the nipple shield if Harper was able to breastfeed with it and told me that a study on nipple shields saying they affect supply was very outdated and also was conducted using a nipple shield and a breast pump and not a baby feeding at the breast with a shield, so the results were inaccurate.

For now, I'm continuing to use the shield.  Harper is having the recommended amount of wet and dirty diapers per day which makes me more confident that she is getting what she needs. I also took her in for a weighted feeding, so I knew how much she was transferring in an average nursing session. Now, I mostly breastfeed her and I still try to pump once or twice a day. Though most of her feedings are at the breast, she typically gets one formula feeding per day, which is 2 ounces. The most formula she ever gets is 4 ounces per day, but usually it's just 2.

This is the "Harper Kit" my husband puts together for me every night before bed---he sterilizes everything and we keep this in changing pad area of the pack n' play that she sleeps in in our bedroom so I can use the supplies throughout the night, as needed---

it includes formula, pumping supplies, bottles and my nipple shield

I feed her on demand right now---there are days where she cluster-feeds and wants to eat every hour to hour and a half and there are days where she sleeps a ton and I have to wake her every 3 hours to feed.  At night, she can go 4-5 hours without waking and I let her sleep at night and only feed her when she wakes, which is what was recommended to me.

My goal is to continue to breastfeed her and pump for her when I return to work. By the way, I am using Medela's Pump in Style Advanced and LOVE it! I don't mind supplementing with formula---whatever will make her happy and healthy is all I care about.  I hope I can accomplish this goal, but I'm going to try not too get down on myself if it doesn't work out either.

Overall, I'm thrilled I can breastfeed at all. To be honest, I wasn't sure I would be able to produce milk because of my breast augmentation surgery and my lack of natural breast tissue prior to my surgery.  It's really reassuring to know that my body is able to provide Harper with the nutrients she needs and I feel very blessed.  I had a lot of women with implants reach out to me when I first discussed my fears about possibly not being able to breastfeed and I'm so glad to have had their support and reassurance.  I'm grateful to have such amazing readers who are willing to share their personal experiences with me. I think it's a beautiful thing when women can support and help each other in such a special way.

I've also been fortunate to have a husband who really supports me when it comes to breastfeeding. Kevin has been so encouraging about nursing, especially when I was down on myself and worried that it wasn't going to work out. Having a supportive partner makes all the difference.  I also love that he can feed her too with expressed milk or formula. It's nice that he can have that bonding time with her.  We are also fortunate that she takes bottles--- I know some breastfed babies won't take them at all.  She doesn't have a preference---we use Avent, Medela and tommee tippee bottles, so that makes things easier.

I will continue to post updates about breastfeeding as we continue our journey.  Thanks for reading and feel free to share with me your breastfeeding journey in the comments below!  And remember---whether you choose to breastfeed, pump or formula feed your baby---all that matters is that you are feeding your baby and giving her or him what they need. How a mother feeds her baby isn't a place for judgment---every mother needs to do what is best for her baby and her family.