Back to Work Tomorrow

This is a post that's difficult for me to write because like most new mothers, I'm devastated that I have to go back to work tomorrow. Twelve weeks just doesn't seem like enough time. You're just settling into motherhood and your baby is looking at you, smiling at you, rolling over and starting to grasp toys---and it's so exciting to watch your baby develop right before your eyes...and then suddenly you go from those blissful days of being with this new life 24/7 and you have to start a whole new routine---one that involves being away from your baby eight plus hours a day.

Her smile melts my heart.

Harper learning new things everyday...

I haven't been away from Harper for more than 1-3.5 hours or so since she was born, other than the time I was in the hospital for my emergency surgery, and I can count on one hand the number of times I've left the house on my own in the past three months (to go to the doctor/dermatologist, one evening event and to run out for groceries and get my hair colored and cut before returning to work). Every time I left the house, even for a short time, I kept remembering the clock was ticking and my time with her is limited (that's why I love that a lot of things can be accomplished online these days during Harper's naps---from paying bills to ordering practically everything I need in life on Amazon).

Going back to work after 12 weeks is an especially hard pill for me to swallow because as a Canadian, I grew up in a country that offers a one year maternity leave and all of my friends from back home get to have that wonderful year to be with their babies (by the way, if you are Canadian, the worst thing you can say to a mom that doesn't get as much leave as you do is "I can't believe you have to leave your baby that early!"). I'm a Canadian living in the US, by choice, and those same incredible benefits just don't exist here and I don't think they ever will, which is incredibly unfortunate. Imagine how much more productive women would be in the workplace if they didn't return to work absolutely exhausted and emotionally fragile (well, that's how I feel, at least).  I realize some US women don't even get 12 weeks of leave which is a sad reflection on our society, but it is what it is.

The silver lining is that my husband is taking two weeks vacation to watch Harper before she enters daycare.  Originally, we had planned for him to take an entire month off (he has a lot of vacation time saved up since we didn't travel when I was pregnant) but right after Harper was born, Kevin got a major promotion at work so we decided the timing wasn't right. I'm so proud of how hard he works for our family.

I feel blessed that Kevin will have this special bonding time with Harper as I transition back to work. I know a lot of moms who write pages and pages of instructions for their husbands or other family members, but I've been pleasantly surprised with how natural fatherhood has been for Kevin. I'm not sure he had even held a baby before Harper was born and yet he cares for her like it's second nature for him and just loves being a dad. And I know he misses her when he's gone at work all day so it's wonderful they will get to have this extra time together. 

I have very mixed feelings about going back to work. On one hand, I love my job and feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment and satisfaction via the work that I do and on the other hand, I love Harper so much and love being there every second of the day that leaving her seems too overwhelming to process. I wonder how I'll even function with how exhausted I feel many days (Harper sleeps for 7-8 hours but I stay up late to pump and wake up in the middle of the night to pump to keep my supply up). There's some comfort in knowing that all new moms feel this way going back to work (although I've also heard of moms being really glad to go back to work---I'm just not there at all). I have a co-worker and friend who had her babies 10 days before Harper was born so it's nice to have someone who understands and is going through the same thing.

A few nights ago, I was giving Harper her nighttime bath and when I wrapped her into her hooded towel she looked so tiny and I just had a little bit of a meltdown. I cried that I didn't want to go back and I didn't want to leave her and how could I be away from her, etc... it's hard. After talking to some of my mommy friends, I know this feeling is completely normal and that it's actually not that bad once you get into the routine of going back to work.

Ultimately, we decided that me returning to work was the best option for our family. When I was pregnant, it wasn't even a question. I always wanted to work outside of the home. Then I had her and everything changed and I momentarily contemplated a life of being home with her all the time and that life seemed pretty incredible but it also came with its own set of risks. I think ever since my husband was laid off in 2009, it has made us extra paranoid about job stability and the economy and although things are wonderful now and we are so blessed to both have jobs, you just never know and I don't know if it's a risk we're willing to take, especially as we're growing our family.

Harper will start daycare at the beginning of September. The daycare she is going to comes highly recommended by a lot of friends and gets fantastic reviews.  Harper is a fairly easy-going baby so I hope she will be happy and thrive there and I'm excited for the socialization she will get with other babies. The daycare has lots of activities for baby's development and they also take the babies on stroller rides everyday. We go to orientation soon so I hope that will help us feel even more confident in our decision.

I'm hoping and praying that I'll find a way to have balance at work and at home. A way to feel fulfilled both as a mother and as a woman with a career.  If you are a working mom and have any words of wisdom or just want to share your experience, please leave me a comment below!  I also want to thank everyone for their support. Quite a few of you have sent emails and notes of encouragement on Instagram and I really appreciate it :)